Defining who I am has been a task and a learning experience. A journey that I don’t know how it began but has many twists and turns to overcome. Each discovery leads to more questions and more discoveries. It’s an ongoing challenge to see behind the many masks I’ve worn for so long.
Again, the masks were needful for the encounters, protection and people who have crossed my path. The Apostle Paul said, “I am all things to all people that I might win some.” Well, feel like I have been that same way except I’ve lost more than I’ve won personally (me).
Giving much and receiving very little was extremely draining and empty at times. I gave hoping to receive love, affection, appreciation and value. Things that I already had but never fully realized or understood because it was centered on selfishness. ME!
Now, you might ask, how is giving and helping others selfish? It’s selfish because I attached myself to my giving and helping hoping to be… and seen as…someone. I felt invisible in the midst of those who I gave and helped. I didn’t want anything in return, I needed it, I craved it, wholeness. Maybe their joy would be enough for me.
Instead, I told myself I had all I needed. I told those who wanted to pour into me that I was good. I didn’t need anything and I didn’t except love. Not the lustful, sexual conditional type with stipulations, I needed unconditional love. Love that saw my faults as ok. The kind of love that lifted me up when I fell down encouraged me when I was depressed. Forgave me when I messed up and cheered me on when I felt like giving up. Believed in me when I had a hard time believing in myself, and loved me through all my hurts and pains. Most importantly, when I didn’t know how to love myself, showed me.
In essence, I desired what we all do on some level that is to matter. Not to anyone but to someone and that someone I learned that someone must first be you.